Empty Cage Girl

In the middle

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 20:55:09 GMT

Titel: In the middle
Author: Emzi (ME)
Beta: Non. ingen.
Raiting: G
Genre: Romance (DOC. Death of Character.)
Summary: Kärlek är inte lätt.
A/N: Denna blev skriven för en Novelltävling. Den är kort och jag vet inte hur bra den är, men jag fick en idé och skrev. Det kändes konstigt att skriva på svenska.

Jag visste att det inte skulle vara lätt, att alla problem inte bara plötsligt skulle försvinna ur bilden även om hon nu inte fanns med. Det hade ju alltid funnits en massa problem även före jag träffade Alex. Problemen ökade såklart efter det. När jag började ljuga även mera för honom för att kunna träffa henne varje dag.

”Jag blir övernatt till en kompis.”
Jag kunde höra hur han suckade igen. Han var ledsen, det visste jag, men ändå så sa han inget om det.
”Okej. Tack för att du meddela åt mig.”
”Jag ville inte att du skulle vänta på mig. Gå och sova så ses vi imorgon kväll.” Det var ju inte heller helt säkert.
Han mumlade och sedan lade han på utan några ord.

Jag visste att jag ljög och jag visste att det inte var rätt mot honom. Men jag älskade honom. Men jag älskade även Alex. Jag var kär i både två och var i en väldigt svår situation.

”Hana. Är du okej?”
Jag kände hennes tyngd trycka ner sängen en bit. Medan jag fortsatte stirra in i väggen kände jag hur hon rörde sig närmare mig. Kunde jag röra på mig utan att direkt svara på hennes fråga? Ifall jag rörde mig bort ifrån henne signalerade jag ju någonting åt henne som skulle få henne att tänka.
”Såklart”, svarade jag snabbt utan att tänka mera på det. Utan att tänka på att det även var en lögn.
Jag kände hennes läppar på min kind och sedan hennes kropp bredvid mig. Armen lade hon runt min mage.

Lögner efter lögner. Flera nätter hemifrån. Jag kunde inte sluta. Det var omöjligt för mig att bara stanna hemma och på det sättet bevisa åt honom att han ännu var väldigt viktig för mig. Vi sågs nästan aldrig. Han jobbade och det gjorde jag också. Han var hemma under nätterna och jag var borta.
Och när vi sågs så blev allt bara fel.

”Vad vill du ha?”
Jag tittade upp från menyn och såg på honom. Sakta såg jag ner i menyn igen. ”Jag vet inte.”
Han suckade högt. Jag undrade om alla i salen hört det eller om det bara var min hörsel som gjorde sucken högre än den påriktigt var.
”Hur var det på jobbet?”
Standardfrågan. Varför inte bara fråga om vädret?
”Det var väl bra”, svarade jag utan att se upp ur menyn.

Det var alltid lika stelt, lika tyst när vi åt. Jag visste inte vad jag skulle säga och jag kunde tydligt se hur du försökte desperat komma på någonting att säga för att bryta tystnaden. Men alltid förblev det lika tyst och obekvämt. Ingen av oss mådde bra av det.
Med Alex var det så annorlunda.

"Alex!”
Jag tog tag i första bästa dyna och slog till henne med den medan hon fortfarande skrattade över sitt slag. Skrattet från oss båda fyllde rummet.
Jag föll ner på sängen och försökte lugna ner min andning.
Alex föll ner bredvid mig. Hon lutade på sin armbåge och såg på mig. Jag såg på henne och log.
”Du är vacker”, sa hon plötsligt med ett leende på läpparna.
Jag såg bort. Hon tvingade mig att se på henne.
”Jag älskar dig.”

Jag hörde inte mera honom säga det tre orden. Han hade slutat säga dem åt mig och jag hade slutat säga dem åt honom. Ändå visste jag att han älskade mig. Jag hoppas innerligt att han visste att jag hade samma känslor för honom.
Jag ville säga orden åt honom, men varje gång jag försökte så kunde jag bara inte öppna munnen.

”Var är du?”
”Skall träffa en kompis”, svarade jag honom. Jag var påväg för att träffa Alex. Igen.
”Tänker du komma hem inatt?”
Jag bet mig i läppen och funderade på vad jag skulle säga.
”Okej, jag förstår nog”, sa han när jag inte svarade och stängde av.

Det fanns dagar då jag grät. När jag satt hos Alex och grät ögonen av mig. Hon visste såklart om honom, att jag hade en annan. Hon sa aldrig någonting om den saken. Det var ett ämne som vi aldrig pratade om och det var bättre så.

”Hana?”
Jag hörde hur dörren öppnades och hur Alex steg in i det mörka rummet.
”Vad gör du här? Varför ringde du inte mig?”
Hon hade antagligen fått syn på tårarna som prydde mina kinder eftersom hon lade armarna om mig.
”Jag behövde bara lite tid för mig själv”, svarade jag åt henne.
Den första platsen jag tänkt på hade varit hennes lägenhet och om tur så hade jag fått en nyckel av henne.
”Schh. Jag förstår.”

”Jag kommer inte att fortsätta med honom. Jag klarar inte av att bo med honom längre.”
Jag satt på knä på gräsmattan. Mina kläder som jag valt för dagen var svarta. Jag berättade åt henne allt som jag behövde berätta. Allt jag ville att hon skulle veta. Tårar trängde fram ur mina ögon och gled nerför mina bleka kinder.
”Jag saknar dig. Mera än någonting. Varför just du?”
Jag tystnade och lyfte blicken till gravstenen framför mig.
”Jag älskar dig.”

Blanket Friends (PG13, Dir en grey, romance, Shinya/?) Chapter 2.

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 12:58:57 GMT

Title: Blanket Friends
Author: Me. Sweetcurry, Izme, Emzi, Chikara, Cage_girl
Rating: PG-13 (It may change later..)
Genre: Romance?
Pairing: Shinya/ ?
Summary: Feelings are not easy to hide.
Beta: Nelle
Disclaimer: I do not own Shinya or any one else from Dir en grey. I'm just using them in this fiction.

A/N: Chapter 2 after a lot of work. I have had a bit of trouble writing for some time now. But now it's gone and I write like the wind. Haha. No, not really, but still.
Enjoy and tell me what you think. :)

Chapter 1.

Chapter 2
After a couple of seconds (though it felt longer for Shinya) the lips left his and he could see whose they were. As the drummer had feared they belonged to the bands bassist. He sighed inside, and the panic started building up inside of him. This was exactly what he had feared. This was not something he felt he could handle right now, but he had no choice in that matter. Why did all this have to happen right now?
Toshiya was standing infront of him with a wide smile on his soft lips that had a small taste of alcohol. Shinya couldn't read what that smile meant, and he was pretty sure that he didn't want to know.
”Shin-chan has soft lips.” Toshiya’s now almost mental smile grew even wider. Die laughed at Toshiya’s statement.
Shinya just wanted to disappear from that spot at that second, let the floor swallow him into the darkness. He wished that he would have the option of just slamming the door in their faces and just leave them there in the empty, dark hallway. He didn't really need their company at the moment, but they needed his. Shinya cared too much to just leave them there, and they knew that very well. He knew that they could get hurt if they started wandering around in the streets in the condition they were in. He just couldn't let anything like that happen so he took a step back to make room for them to come in.
”Come in, you two”, he said quietly with his gaze glued to the floor.
The bassist and guitarist came in and started to fight with their shoes. Their shoes seemed to be on Shinya's side for they didn't want to leave the feet they were on, though of course the fact that the persons that were fighting with them were drunk and had problems just standing on one foot, gave them the advantage.
A couple of seconds Shinya just stood there watching the two fight with their footwear but then decided to go and get some water for his guests. They really needed water so that their hangover wouldn’t kill them the next day, and probably something to eat, but sadly Shinya really didn't have anything to give them. His fridge was very empty, he had noticed this morning.
”Come to the kitchen when you two are ready with that.”
The two just nodded at him when he left them alone with their shoes and went to the kitchen.
He took out two glasses and filled them with cold water. Shinya placed them on the table and went to take a glass for himself and filled it with water too. He sighed once again and could still taste a faint hint of alcohol that had made its way from Toshiya's lips to his own with the kiss. In a hope that the water would make the taste disappear he took a sip and closed his eyes to calm himself and his heartbeat.
For a second he had wanted to answer the kiss, a little voice had told him that it was okay, but then the Voice Of Reason in his head took over and he pulled away. He thanked the voice with all his heart right now, and the fact that his brain had listened to it.
At that second the kitchen got invaded by two people that had trouble staying on their feet. Quickly Shinya was on his own feet, helping the guitarist to sit down on one chair, because Die had been very near to falling.
For his luck Toshiya did get to one chair without bigger problems (just one glass had made contact with the floor), so he didn't need to help him too. Even having Toshiya near him made him nervous and so touching him was something he didn’t feel like doing.

”I'm so sorry about that.”
”Totchi, shut up!” Shinya almost screamed at the hysteric bassist that kept on apologizing for the broken glass. ”I said that it was okay and I meant it.” He was knelt down on the floor, picking up the pieces from the floor and placing them in his hand. Toshiya was sitting on a chair beside him, now mumbling ”I'm sorry” every minute and giving him a headache. A couple of times he tried to help out, but Shinya couldn't let him do that. He was too drunk.
Shinya went and throw the broken glass pieces away and took another one and filled it with water.
Toshiya mumbled a quiet ”thank you” when he placed it infront of him on the table.
Shinya didn't know what to say so he stayed quiet and sat down on his own chair again. For awhile there was a silence between the three friends. A very weird silence. Shinya felt like screaming but bit his lip to stay quiet. It would cause a pretty big scene if he started screaming for no good reason, that the others knew of, at all.
”I think I will go to bed now”, Shinya said, breaking the silence, and stood up from the chair. ”You two sleep wherever there is place, but please keep away from my room and bed.” He lifted his little dog from the floor and made his way towards the bedroom. Shinya could hear the two mumble something, but didn't listen to what they said. He was too tired to care anymore. He closed the door and put Miyu back on the floor. Miyu quickly made his way to the big bed and jumped onto it. Shinya smiled as the dog curled up into a little piece of fur on the pillow.
He changed into a large t-shirt and made his way through the door to go brush his teeth.
”Something is bothering him...”
Shinya stopped at the doorway and hoped that Toshiya, who was talking, hadn't heard the door open. Clearly neither him or Die had heard it because they continued talking like nothing had happened.
”I know, but there is nothing we can do. He's going to shell up even more if we start talking to him about it.”
It was Die’s voice and then Toshiya answered.
”But he's in pain. I can see it.” His voice was full of concern.
Shinya knew that he shouldn't be listening to their conversation, it was wrong, but he couldn't help it. He had seen Toshiya’s concern in his eyes after the rehearsal. Of course he knew that they were concerned because Kaoru called every evening to check up on him. He always made sure that he was okay.
The other band members just were there. Shinya knew that they cared but it had always been a silent thing. They didn’t ever say anything. It was more communication with eyes because he knew exactly what kind of look their eyes had when there was a question they wanted to ask, but were scared of asking. That was when he gave them a small smile and the look would disappear for a while.
“I don’t want him to be in pain.”
Clearly they were not that drunk anymore. Or maybe they hadn’t been that drunk at all.
Shinya took a step back in to the bedroom again. He couldn’t listen anymore. It was too much. He was a bit hurt over that they had played him as nothing. Did they think that it would never come up? That he would never get to know the truth? They were really good, he had to give them that.
He made his way to the bed and sat down. Miyu came up to his side from the pillow. Shinya looked at the dog and smiled a bit.
“I don’t understand this, Mi”, he whispered to the dog. “Why did they do this?”
Miyu looked at him with her big, brown eyes.
“I know that you can’t answer. At times I wish that you could talk and help me with things. Like with stupid friends that do things like this. They lied to me.”
Miyu moved to his pillow again as to say that is was time to sleep and stop thinking about that tonight. Shinya smiled at his dog and knew that she was right. He wouldn’t get anywhere by giving himself a headache tonight. Sleep did always help in any problem - atleast a bit.
“You are completely right. Sleep will do us both good, but I really need to brush my teeth first.” He gave the little dog a small smile and stood up to go to the bathroom again. He opened the door and listened closely for awhile before he went through it.
Right then he was very happy that the bathroom was very close to his room. He just wanted to be left alone and get some sleep. It felt like he had been holding his breath and could finally breathe when he entered the bathroom. The kiss that Toshiya had given him still made his head spin in a bad way, no, bad was the wrong word, but he didn’t want to use the right word. Why, was the question he wanted to get an answer to, but he really couldn’t just ask the bassist to give him an explanation. Toshiya hadn’t even been as drunk as he had thought so the bassist couldn’t hide behind that. Though Toshiya didn’t know that Shinya knew that, would one of his best friends lie to him again? He couldn’t even believe that they had lied to him already once. He knew that he wasn’t always the most honest person but he didn’t lie directly to someones face, he just didn’t tell everything.
Shinya just kept quiet about certain things. Was that wrong?
He looked at himself in the mirror. All he saw was an unhappy face with so many questions written all over it. Questions he would probably not get answers to in a long time if he didn’t ask, which was not going to happen.
He brushed his teeth quickly and just stood there watching himself in the mirror and wondering when it all got so complicated. When did everything change from easy to hard?
“Shin-chan?”
Shinya’s eyes jumped to the door that was locked when he heard Toshiya’s voice on the other side. His heart also jumped a couple of beats.
“Are you okay in there?” The bassist’s voice was still full of concern. The same concern as he had when he had been talking to Die. Shinya just bit his lip thinking hard on what to say, what to answer. He really didn’t want to lie to him, because he really sounded concerned. Shinya could almost feel the concern through the door.
“Of course I am...” he answered. “Why are you asking?”
“You have been in there for about fifteen minutes...” Toshiya got quiet for a while. “And I really need to use the bathroom...”
Shinya rushed to the door and let the poor little bassist in. He himself went out from the bathroom. Toshiya smiled at him and thanked him from all of his heart and then rushed in to the bathroom.
Shinya could see the guitarist sleep on the sofa and for a second there was a small smile on the drummer’s lips. Die just looked so peaceful in his sleep.
“He looks very peaceful, doesn’t he?”
For the second time that night Toshiya’s voice made Shinya jump to the roof. Shinya nodded as an answer and then turned around to go to his bedroom. For a second he met Toshiya’s gaze and he could see the concern in his eyes, before he looked down again.
“Goodnight Shin-chan.” he called after him but Shinya didn’t answer.
Shinya bit his lip once more as he closed the door after him. He knew that he could not keep on avoiding Die or Toshiya for long. Least of all Toshiya as he seemed to be everywhere he turned at all times.
He crawled into the bed beside little sleeping Miyu and took a deep breath before he curled up into a little ball and closed his eyes. It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep.

Blanket Friends (PG13, Dir en grey, romance, Shinya/?)

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 09:22:00 GMT

He was sitting in the corner of the room, on the floor, and staring at nothing. Why he was sitting exactly on that spot he really didn’t know. The little drummer just didn’t feel like going home even though his little dog would need to be fed and walked, but still he did not move. His thoughts were in a big mess and would need some attention, maybe on the walk with Miyu he could look at them. For a time now he had tried to avoid looking into his own head, probably too scared about what he could find. He looked up from the floor. The rest of Dir en grey were sitting in the sofa on the other side of the room talking about something, he didn’t really listen to they're conversation at all. They could have been talking about him and he wouldn't have reacted. He was just thinking about everything and nothing. You could have taken him for being a doll, he was sitting so silent and without moving. If you didn’t look as close that you saw him breathing you would walk past him in believing that he was a doll made of porcelain. A very life-like doll. A beautiful one.
He hadn’t moved a muscle for many minutes and didn’t plan on doing anything that required moving. The drummer was tired after the many hours long rehearsal that Kaoru had kept them on. Shinya understood that he wanted that they would sound great, but sometimes he just pushed them too far.
“Shin-Shin?”
Shinya woke up from his thoughts and looked up at Kaoru who was looking at him with a little bit of concern in his eyes. His face was looking relaxed but he didn’t smile, just like Shinya he didn’t smile very often, not in the presens of others anyway. Miyu made him smile very often.
“Nani?” Shinya asked when his gaze met Kaoru’s.
“Are you okay?”
Shinya just nodded as answer. He could see that the three other band members were now looking at him and that made him nervous. There was a reason why he had started playing the drums when he was young and that reason was that the drums were always in the shadow of the light on the stage. The other thing that had made him choose the drums was Yoshiki from X-Japan and his talent.
He didn't like being in the centre of attention. Now he was the centre of attention and it really made him nervous. It was weird that he still felt nervous with his bandmates.
“Tired?” Kaoru was trying his best to get Shinya to talk a bit more, again Shinya did just nod. “Okay, let's all go home and get some sleep. What do you say?” He looked at the others and they nodded and jumped up from the sofa. All three had big smiles on their faces. A bit tired smiles, but smiles anyway. Toshiya and Kyo started jumping around in the room and singing something that sounded like “We can go home…” Die had fallen on the sofa again because of his hard laughing. Shinya smiled on the inside. It was fun to see his friends having fun. They always came up with some weird idea and of course wanted to share with the rest of the band. After a bit of alcohol it was twice as bad, or good.
Shinya stood up from the floor and mimed a ‘thank you’ to Kaoru. He left without saying anything to anyone else. He wasn’t really in a social mood at the moment. To tell the truth he almost never was in a social mood, but sometimes he just had to force himself to be social. So that the others wouldn’t get too worried about him. Now all of them had his phone number so it made it easier for them to contact him and annoy him. It was mostly Kaoru who asked, and called, if he was okay and how he was feeling. The others were too busy doing something else. Sitting in some bar or club and getting headaches. Die did tease him almost every day. Kyo and Toshiya did sometimes jump in on the teasing. Shinya knew that they didn’t mean anything by it, it was just harmless fun on his account. The fact that he let them continue without saying anything just gave the impression to them that it was okay. He did really not care that much anymore.
“Shin-Shin!” The talker grabbed Shinya on the shoulder and made him jump and gasp for air. Shinya grabbed on to the hand that had grabbed him. He turned around and faced the person.
Toshiya.
The taller band member smiled an apologizing smile at the short drummer.
“Gomen. Wasn’t my intention to scare you like that”, he smiled.
Shinya loosened his grip from Toshiya’s hand a bit embarrassed of his reaction. When had he become so jumpy?
“It's okay”, he answered shortly and quietly. He looked at Totchi for a while before he realized that he should go home and feed the poor little dog that had been alone all day. “I should go now.” Shinya took a step back and turned around. “Miyu, you know.”
He could feel Toshiya’s eyes in his neck burning. He took a deep breath and turned his head and looked at him again.
Toshiya looked like he wanted to say something but didn’t know where to start. Shinya knew that the best thing to do was to go before he found the words he was looking for.
“See you.” For the first time in ages Shinya ran away from a place, from a friend, from a situation. He just wanted to get as far as he could from that place. Something in Toshiya’s eyes had made him feel uncomfortable in a weird way. It felt wrong and good at the same time and he could just remember a time when the same feeling had filled him. That was a long time ago.

He took out the keys from his pocket when he reached his apartment. He was out of breath but he didn’t slow down before he heard the door close behind his back. For a couple of seconds he leaned against the door before he sat down on the floor in front of the door and took Miyu in his arms. His heart was beating so fast that he thought it would jump out from his chest any second, but it didn’t. It stayed where it was, tormenting him. Hurting him.
Miyu started licking on his wrist and woke him up from his thoughts. It was almost like she wanted to remind him that she was there for him. Shinya smiled lightly at the little dog that looked at him with its big eyes. Sometimes Shinya could almost hear the dog talk. Right now she was hungry and he understood that very well. He felt like a bad person for leaving her alone for the whole day. Next time he was going to take her to his parents.
“I’m so sorry”, he said to the dog, “let's get some food for you.”
Miyu was one step ahead of Shinya and had already ran towards the kitchen.

Toshiya stared after Shinya as he vanished around the corner and sighed quietly.
He could feel that something was wrong with the little drummer and he really wanted to help, but how can you help someone that doesn’t seem to want any help? Shinya clearly didn't want to tell anyone what was wrong. The whole band knew that something was wrong, no one wanted to ask him because they were afraid that he would shut them out completly.
Toshiya couldn’t stand the thought of his friend having to stand some sort of pain all the time. Mental pain. The worst kind.
At that exact moment his phone started vibrating in his pocket and he picked it up a bit annoyed. One look at the display and he got the information that it was the bands guitarist.
“Nani, Die?”
“Where did you disappear? I went to the toilet for five minutes and you were gone.”
Toshiya laughed at the poor guitarist that sounded so left alone, so little. So unusual for him to sound like that.
“I just had to do something. I didn’t leave you all alone.” He started walking back from where he had come.
“But Kyo and Kao-Kao want to call it a night already, but I don't. Let's go somewhere and get something good to eat or drink.”
Toshiya could almost hear the grin on Dies lips. That sentence coming from Die meant a nice little club and a lot of alcohol. Not to forget the headache the next day. He really wasn't really sure if he wanted that headache right now, but Die wouldn’t give up until he came with him. Thoughts of Shinya went round in his head.
“Onegai, Totchi.” Die was almost begging on the other side of the line.
Toshiya sighed. “Okay, okay, okay.” He tried not to smile but failed big time when he heard Die scream happily on the other end. “Wait a second, did even Kyo want to go already?”
“Hai. He muttered something about beauty sleep or something. I didn’t really listen”, Die informed him. “I’ll see you at The place in five minutes.”
A little sound told Toshiya that Die had closed the phone. He put the phone back in his pocket and steered his steps towards they’re regular club. The bartender knew them and was always very understanding about their doings. For example if they broke something he didn’t throw them out, and it was almost every time they broke something, or someone did. And another good thing was that it wasn't full of fans every night and they could be alone for a while.
Toshiya’s mood got better for every step he took and the thoughts about Shinya did disappear pretty quickly when he entered the club. He saw the happy faces of everyone in there and it just made him smile.
“Totchi!”
He turned his head and could see Die sitting in one corner waving, with both hands in the air, at him, already with a beer in front of him.
“You don’t waste a second, do you?” Toshiya grinned at his friend, who grinned right back at him.
“You know me.”

The sound of nothing filled the little drummers ears as he walked slowly with Miyu in front of him. The little dog didn't keep her happiness for herself, she showed it to the whole world, or at least the park. Shinya was happy that there was almost no one in the park, it felt good to be alone for a while. For the moment he hadn't been thinking about looking good. He had just changed quickly to a pair of old pants, that he hadn't worn in years, and an almost as old t-shirt. It had been a while since he had weared a couple of pants for that matter. His feminine look gave him a reason to wear feminine clothes. The band's image was that he had feminine clothes. Everyone in Japan and other countries knew that, at least the ones that listened to their music.
It was his thing.
He was the shy, quiet, little drummer. Not that he had anything against that. That was his role in life.
All through his life he had the same role, always. His mother had told him that he had been diffrent when he was much more younger, but that had changed at a point. In middle school he had started to draw back from other people.
”Can we go home now, Miyu?” he asked his beloved dog. Miyu looked up at him but didn't say anything. Not that she could talk but she didn't bark or anything.
Shinya kneeled down at the dog and looked into her eyes. Miyu looked back quietly for a while but barked once as to say okay.
Shinya took the dog in his arms and started walking back to his apartment.

When Shinya reached back to his apartment and opened the door he saw that the answering machine had picked up a message. He sighted and started wondering who of his friends and band mates were drunk this time. It was mostly at that time someone got the perfect idea to call him. There had been times when he had picked up the phone and answered, and as punishment had to listen to Kyos/Kaourus/Toshiyas/Dies babbling about something totally idiotic and after a while he had that person in his apartment sleeping it of.

Nowadays he let the machine take all of the calls even if he was at home and right beside the phone. His strength to listen just wasn't the same anymore. Too much was too much.

Shinya put down little Miyu on the floor and she ran to the kitchen a couple of seconds later you could hear her drinking from her cup on the floor. Shinya smiled for himself a while. Then he turned to the machine.

Shinya stared at the machine beside the phone and wondered if he should listen to the message or just let it be? A big part of him didn't want to know what was on the tape, but still he pressed the ”play” button. Dies drunk and a bit singing voice filled the whole apartment because he was loud.

”Sumimasen Shin-chan..” Good start. ”Totchi is really drunk and, well me too.” Shinya could hear Toshiya in the background singing.

”We're on our way there.” A little beep told Shinya that was the end of the message. It took him a few minutes to realize what Die had said. Shinya sighted. What a perfect evening. Now he would get two drunken band mates to take care of. This was exactly what he hadn't wanted to do right now.

Had they asked him if it was okay? No.

And how did they know if he was home or not? They had reached the answering machine. One explanation could be that Die was so drunk that he hadn't realized that it was the machine he had been talking to.

He went to his wall cabinet where he had all his alcohol and locked it. The key he put in his pocket, hoping to God that they wouldn't start searching him for the key. Shinya had one day went and bought a key and lock for it, just in case a couple of drunk mates would come and visit. The bassist and the guitarist did not need any more alcohol this night, at least not his alcohol.

There were a couple of beers in the fridge he saw when he opened it, that was almost everything there were. Shinya made a mental note that he would go and buy some food tomorrow. The beers could stay there. There was no need to hide them, Shinya wanted to get rid of them, so they could drink them if they wanted.

Little Miyu was looking at him from the floor.

”Die and Totchi are coming,” he said to the little dog that seemed to get happy from hearing it. Happy to get someone to play with her. Shinya weren't so sure that they would be in a good playmate state. Probably they would pass out in about minutes after arriving.

The thought of having to face Toshiya after their little chat made him a bit nervous. And the basist was drunk now, which made the situation even more explosive. People do get really talky when they get a little bit of alcohol in their body, and by the sound of Die they had gotten a bit more then just a little.

Shinya sighed. He would just have to try to avoid talking to Toshiya all evening.

The doorbell made an annoying sound and told Shinya that they were on the other side. He shook his head when he heard them starting to play with the bell. Pressing it once, twice, three times and not stopping it. Shinya could hear them both laughing hard the whole way to the door.

He opened the door and the annoying sound of the bell stopped but something else filled his ears.

”Shiiinya!”

A pair of lips made contact with his.

Kiss me, Kill me, Love me

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 15:32:15 GMT

This one is not a fanfiction. And it's written in english.

Kiss me, Kill me, Love me.
Small rain drops hit the window and make a small that I listened closely to. I didn't know why I just sat there in front of the window and looked out at the empty street. There was nothing to look at, no people, nothing.
Maybe it was the emptiness that drawed my attention. Could that be the reason I sat there?
It started to get dark. People started to put their lights on.
I liked the dark. There was calmness in the dark that you could not find anywhere else. And it's a place to hide in. Hide your own feelings.
Crazy, maybe, but that's just how I felt. I needed the darkness. I would be lost without it. But I needed the light too. There wouldn't exist darkness without light.
Lonelyness, why does that exist? Who needs it anyway? It's the longing for someone. The waiting...
I sighed. I couldn't understand the world. I just wanted to forget everything. Stop thinking. Stop feeling...
My phone started ringing. I sighed again and looked at it. Slowly I made my way to it.
Hana.
Why was she calling me? Why wasn't she home yet?
I let it ring even though something inside of me wanted me to answer it. I didn't want to hear her excuses for not being here.
I sat down on the bed and started looking at the door hopeing that she would come running through it, trying to find words. She didn't.
I heard footsteps from the other side of the door. A part of me started hopeing again that it would be her.
"Lil!"
I stared down at the floor when Alex opened the door.
Disappointed.
He just looked at me for a while. Don't look up. Don't look up. I looked up and noticed that he had a phone in his hand.
"It's Hana. She wants to talk to you."
He put the phone on the bed beside me and walked out of the room, leaving me alone with the phone. I stared at the phone for some seconds. Guess I had to take it.
I took the phone but didn't make any sound. Hana was on the other end, that I knew. I could hear her breathing. That small sound made me calm. The knowledge of her there made me calm down and forget my disappointment on her not being here.
"Lil?"
I bit my lip so that I wouldn't answer her. The sound of her voice woke up the longing feeling inside of me. The longing for her. I wont answer. No.
I made a small sound to let her know that I was there.
"Why didn't you answer your phone?"
She went right to the point. No, small talk. No, I'm sorry I'm not there. No, I miss you.
"I didn't hear it."
Hana knew I was lying. I never did leave my phone anywhere. I always had it with me.
She didn't comment on my lie. I could just hear her breathing again. I sighed. Soon she was going to say it. Say that she was going to stay at a friends house or at her parents.
Typical.
"Lilith. I just wanted you to know…" Now she was going to say it. I was right. I knew it.
"…that I'm on my way."
What?! This was not right! This was not in the script! I couldn't find any words. I was in chock. I couldn't believe what I just had heard. Was I dreaming? Had I fallen asleep during the time I sat in front of the window?
" I'll be there soon. Bye."
A small sound told me that she was not there anymore.
She was coming home.
Now I started hearing the voices from the other room. The living room.
The party. My party. Should I go and be the Birthday girl?
Slowly I stood up and made my way towards the door with the phone in my hand. I opened the door and could see all of my friends standing in the room, talking and laughing. Having fun.
"Is she coming?" Alex asked when he noticed me.
I just nodded. My words were lost and I couldn't find them.
She was coming. She had always missed my birthday, but now she was coming.
I sat down on the sofa and someone gave me a drink. Probably some alcohol. Definitively alcohol. I drank it and asked someone to give me more. Alex looked at me with concern. He knew what could happen if I got to much alcohol. He has seen it .
I didn't care about him. I needed a drink.
The doorbell rang after a while and of course everyone was waiting for me to go and open. I wanted to scream that I wasn't five years old, but I didn't. The doorbell sounded again and I stood up.
I made my way to the front door and opened it.
Hana.
She stood there in front of me smiling brightly. I had to look like a fish.
"Happy birthday." She hugged me quickly and I took a step back to let her in.
I had almost forgot that she was coming. My feelings were having war with each other and I couldn't make any sense out of them.
For a while I just stood there looking at her. She was so beautiful. An angel on earth.
"Lil? Are you okay?"
I could see the concern in her eyes.
I nodded and smiled to tell her yes. Maybe I was lying a bit but I just didn't want to see her so concerned. I wanted her to be happy and smile.
She made her way to the living room where everyone were waiting to know who had come. I didn't follow her, not right then anyway. I just stood there and starred after her. I was happy. I should have been that. Why did something feel so wrong? Everything was perfect.
I shook my head and followed Hana to the living room where she was standing and talking to Alex. I felt a weird feeling ran through my body and mind. Jealous. Shame on me.
There was no reason for me to be jealous. I knew that. But still…
Hana was looking at me and I met her gaze. She made her way through the room towards me. I got the want to run away. Hide. But it was like I were glued to the floor. I couldn't move. The feeling of something being wrong came back. I couldn't breath.
"Lil. We need to talk."
She took my hand and lead me to the room where I had been sitting. Hana closed the door behind us. I was biting my lip. Let us say that it's a bad habit I can't get rid of.
"I have something important to tell you, but first…"
She put a hand on my shoulder and kissed me on the lips. A sweet taste filled my mouth . I kissed her back. This was real. I put my arms around her and pulled her against myself.
Kiss me.

She pulled away.
Wrong.
"Sit down." She sounded serious.
I sat down on the bed and looked at her. She wasn't looking at me. She was looking at everything else. Something was wrong.
"I've been offered a job…"
Now she looked at me.
"That's great." I thought that was what she wanted me to say.
She nodded. "It's a really great job.." She started biting on her lip. She swallowed.
"It's in Paris."
I starred at her. She couldn't be serious. I couldn't breath again. There was something blocking the way.
"No." I looked down at the floor. "No."
I wanted to hear her say that she was not going to take the job, but inside I knew that she was not going to say it. She wouldn't have told me if that was the case.
Wrong.

I couldn't stay there so I stood up, took my phone and the car keys.
Hana screamed after me but I didn't stop. I ran out and in to the car. The car started and I backed it out of the driveway.
I didn't know where I was going just that I couldn't stay there.
Tears ran down my cheeks and I did nothing to stop them.
Hana was going to move to Paris. No.
She was calling me but I didn't answer. There was nothing she could say that would make it different or better.
Alex. Hana. Alex. Hana and someone else from the party.
I didn't answer.
Kill me.

Where was I?
Was I dead? No I wasn't, I could feel pain and hear someone talking far away. I didn't open my eyes. I didn't have the strength for that.
Weak.
I could feel someone take my hand. A soft hand.
"Lil. If you can hear me. I'm sorry."
Hana. I could hear that she was crying. I wanted to cry.
"Please Lil. Wake up."
No. I want to die.
Slowly I opened my eyes. Hana was now looking at the floor. She was tired. I could see that.
"Hana."
She jumped.
"Lil. Thank God!" She hugged me and almost killed me at the same time. "I'm so sorry. This is all my fault."
I smiled tiredly. "No, it's mine."
Hana looked at me.
"I should have stopped you. You didn't let me finish. I want you with me. I can't live without you. I almost lost you and for the second I thought I had, I couldn't breath."
I starred at her. She wanted me with her to Paris.
"I love you, Hana."
"I love you, Lil."

Love me.

Just fiction

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 15:18:26 GMT

EVERYTHING IN THIS JOURNAL FROM THIS DAY ON WILL BE FANFICTION AND OTHER STUFF I MYSELF HAVE WRITTEN.

All three languages will come up:

Swedish
Finnish
English

Thank you. :)

// Emz, Sweetcurry, Cage_girl, Jamie Sullivan, Chikara

Harry Potter

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:38:54 GMT

I love Harry Potter.

and now that is said and I can do other stuff. Like read fanfiction or something, anything else then read for the test I have today. I can't read for it because I don't want to. I know it's bad.
So I'm a bad person.

Still eating cookies. What are you guys doing?

hello again sorry...

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 21:36:08 GMT

I have a test tomorrow and it sucks horse balls with teeth. i am not even going to read to it because I have no energy to do that. That sucks too. I am happy that it is redoable after the christmas holiday, so if it does really bad I can redo it and hope that it will go a little better.

Yay. I like it when one can do things another time.

Sitting here and eating cookies. I love cookies.

;__;

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 16:13:03 GMT

Tomorrow I will have to go back to Karjaa and school. No more sitting home doing nothing. I think that I am really going to miss sitting infront of the computer all day doing nothing important. Or not needing to do anything. I love just beeing.

home

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 16:24:14 GMT

Now I am not sick anymore and still I am not going to school. I know that it is stupid to just stay at home but I don't feel like going. we have a theme- week and I have already missed a lot so no point in going for two days. I will go back to school on sunday and start going to school next week. It will be best because then we have photographing again and I really don't want to miss any of that.

Yay.

I like.

crap

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 19:06:12 GMT

Today:
- Sick
- In pain
- Tired as hell
- Not in school

What a good day. NOT.

Hello.

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 14:06:15 GMT

Now I have ten minutes to write a little something to you guys. I'm sorry about not writing again in a while. I am really sorry. I always promise to write and then I still don't do it. I hate myself for it.

Soon I will go watch Xena on the tv. I love Xena. I watched it when I was younger too so it a bit nostalgic. And after that Gilmore Girls. Yes I have become a tv slave. Damn. It sucks.

I was at Tavastia today and there are a lot of people queing for the Dir en grey gig that is tonight. I will also see them but tomorrow so. Out there is cold and they are freezeing. I'm sure that they will get sick after this. But maybe it is worth it?

Now tv.

See you later.

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 07:29:51 GMT

Today I will go to school with a hat on my head. I will not take it of at any time, just because my hair is so unclean and horrible. But I just didn't have energy to go in the shower today. I will probably go in the evening if I really feel like it, but don't hold your breath.

I can't promise anything right now. I am a mess. Really a mess.

Too broken.

forget

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 19:00:00 GMT

Sorry for the not being here. haha. Been too busy and too broken to really have any streangth to write english. Even this language makes me think about him. Just because I spoke english with him on msn for awhile. Yes, everything makes me remember him. That idiot that broke me, broke my heart, made me stop believing in kind guys.

They do not exist.

Really.

I just don't believe in that anymore.

At times I just wish I could forget him completely.

pain!

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:50:09 GMT

My poor little head is about killing me and I should get some more painkillers at some point. They are running out soon. Crap. Like I have only 2 left which makes me really sad.

And I already took a pill today and it is still hurting a bit. I think it could be tiredness but I am not sure. Maybe I should go sleep and find out.

Yes, I think I will do that.

Good Night!

hello...again :D

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 06:38:33 GMT

I'm very sorry about not writing here at all. It's just that my internet over here has been bitchy for a few days now. Now, weirdly, it is working almost like a charm. So now I can start writing here without getting grey hair while doing it. HAHA. Yes, I am so funny in the morning.
School starts in a half hour which sucks because I havn't done the thing for today.

Well...it can't be that bad...right?...

start

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 20:05:16 GMT

I will start writing more in the near future. I promise. I'll start tomorrow.

fun

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 20:00:41 GMT

I love photographing in a studio. It was so much fun, really! I loved it and can't wait to get to photograph more there!

And I think I have an idea for a thing.

Tataa. Now I will go and brush my teeth and stuff like that and then sleep.

right...?

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 06:18:57 GMT

Okay this must be the wierdest thing ever. I thought about making this my story-lj but now it is too lovely to make something like that. So now I will probably have to start writing in this one too again.

Well everything happens for a reason, right?

Moving back

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 21:54:42 GMT

I am moving the english back to the original LJ. so http://sweetcurry.livejournal.com is the place for everything. I can not have this many places to check anymore.

No sleep

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 03:27:11 GMT

I really have been forgetting this one for a while. Mostly because I have had so much to do that I havn't had any time left over for this one. A bit sad, yes, but I can not do anything about it anymore. I can only change the future and not forget this one again.

I have read DH and so has my brother. He is reading HP still. He started from the first book again, and I told him that he had become me. That didn't go well with him. He did not like it at all or even think so. Poor little boy.

Tonight I havn't slept at all which make me all crazy.

Crap that.

hair

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 23:32:32 GMT

I really really should go to bed now mostly for the reason that I have to get up to go get my hair done. I'm going to get it colored and stuff. I'm so happy.

I hope I will be happy with the result too. Hopefully.

BUSTED!

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 12:17:48 GMT

BUSTED!
Since you're reading this entry, it means that you must comment. Comment whatever you want, as long as you do that. After that post this text to your journal and catch those who read your journal.

HAHA

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 20:42:51 GMT

OMG. I have decided that I will start reading the last Harry Potter book as soon as I can and want. I did at first decide that I would read the fifth and sixth book first but I really can't do that. I just have to read the last book. I don't wanna be afraid of spoilers all the time when I am on the internet. I wanna know everything. Even though I am a bit afraid of reading it still.

Okay this will be a long sleepless night of just reading the Harry Potter book.

Crap.

Bye.

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 10:06:58 GMT

Today I leave this country and go to sweden for a few days. I'll be back in finland on tuesday. I am pretty sure that I wont be able to write in this journal or even have internet so byebye for a few days.

have fun! :)

I've been looking back to find...

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 17:14:52 GMT

Queen - Too much love will kill you

I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be
Too many bitter tears are raining down on me
I'm far away from home
And I've been facing this alone
For much too long
I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me
About growing up and what a struggle it would be
In my tangled state of mind
I've been looking back to find
Where I went wrong
Too much love will kill you
If you can't make up your mind
Torn between the lover
And the love you leave behind
You're headed for disaster
'cos you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you
Every time
I'm just the shadow of the man I used to be
And it seems like there's no way out of this for me
I used to bring you sunshine
Now all I ever do is bring you down
How would it be if you were standing in my shoes
Can't you see that it's impossible to choose
No there's no making sense of it
Every way I go I'm bound to lose
Too much love will kill you
Just as sure as none at all
It'll drain the power that's in you
Make you plead and scream and crawl
And the pain will make you crazy
You're the victim of your crime
Too much love will kill you
Every time
Too much love will kill you
It'll make your life a lie
Yes, too much love will kill you
And you won't understand why
You'd give your life, you'd sell your soul
But here it comes again
Too much love will kill you
In the end...
In the end.

My brother made me listen that song and I totally fell in love. I love Queen a lot and the lyrics are amazing.